yikes. this is becoming journalrific.

not that there's anything wrong with that. it's just the domination of the airwaves thing i fear. ***warning! journaling ahead! very unformed, raw thoughts! graaaaahhhhh!*** this week has been hard. there's nothing that really created that hardness. it has nothing to do with the lack of daylight or temperature--as b can attest, i'd rather have it dark 16 hours a day and a balmy 45 degrees year-round (if there was no rain and the skies were also that great blue that only crisp late fall/winter days can create). it's more that since my dad died around christmas (almost 8 years ago?!?), i get really down at this time of the year. [mom--if you're reading this, don't call a shrink...i'll be fine, really.] his passing was, to put it mildly, dramatic. and like an especially huge star can create a black hole when it collapses, i've been able to see my life in relief--almost a negative image--of his. usually at this point in the story, many of my very nice friends will ask if they can pray for me. i usually say yes. of course the prayer will make it better. and long term, God is the only one who can sew me up. but i think there's a reason that we gain scars over our lives--there must be some bit of wisdom or passion or street-smarts that we gain from being cut. and the deeper the cut, supposedly, the deeper the wisdom, etc. we gain, if we let God redeem that hurt. so whether it was because of my upbringing, my relationship with my dad, with the church, whatever, i feel like i have accumulated a fair amount of scars, some very, very deep. and along with the healing that needs to be done. i feel like i can speak out of that place of loneliness and loss toward something better. so this week, when i feel it more acutely than normal, i am reminded that jesus came to seek and to save that which was lost. all around us there are lost people. not lost as in "going to hell." of course, there are those people too. but even in christian circles, there are lost people. people that have not really been connected. people who feel like they don't have any friends. or they do have friends but those friends are very superficial. and they begin to operate out of a place of distraction instead of learning what it means to invest in others to get through the loneliness. they may watch a lot of TV or play many video games. they may get into destructive habits like drugs or illicit sex or whatever. or just krav maga (sorry...just had to include that somewhere :-) ). it seems like the amount of money or resources those people have or can get just doesn't satisfy them. even more unfortunately, they often are right in the thick of church stuff--leading, attending a service faithfully, etc.--but no one reaches out to them. they attend something week after week. people think highly of them. but no one really knows them. they drift through life doing the christian thing but without ever growing any roots. those are the lost i see jesus interacting with in the bible--the lepers, the blind, dudes begging out on the corners, the widows, the fatherless child, the shepherds keeping their flocks by night, the young rich ruler. these are the sick. he's the doctor to those sick. consequently, to me, making disciples of all nations means finding people and plugging them in; getting them together with small groups--christian families--and going deep with fewer people. that going shallow with lots of people thing doesn't seem to really create life-long followers of jesus. but that's just my opinion. so why is this week hard besides all the dad stuff? i guess because people don't really want to become disciples. they want someone else to do the hard work for them. they want to be told what to believe. they want someone else to read the books and have the conversations and then deliver the stories to them. they don't want to have to do anything about their lives--as long as they believe the right things that's enough for them. and i worry about the fact that i wasn't "sent out" by anyone else who was themselves "sent out." that we are instead doing things "on our own." and that it takes so long to get buy-in that i'm never sure if anyone is really paying attention. and that we are doing something wrong because it has become a church of its own--but only according to other small church planting people and books and not according to any sort of denominational statement on what makes a church. which, in the end means that we don't have partners. we have those that we are attempting to lead and those that wish to lead us or are leading something else on their own. but the whole common vision, common direction thing...i'm not sure we have that. don't get me wrong, i love what happens on sunday mornings at whatever house we happen to be meeting that. and if i was a less introspective or worried individual, i'd probably think "this is everything we need." in fact, i remember a certain palmer saying to me: "make disciples. none of the other hierarchy and denomination stuff matters in the end." and if this was my wife instead of me writing this, she'd undoubtedly tell you that this is the best place we've been in since college...that people are knocking and having the door opened, seeking and then finding. that really-real community is being developed, not just a clique amongst the cool people or a leadership team or whatever. i guess i'd just like someone to say "well done. the christians of your past who you look up to approve of what you're doing." and then someone else to say "whoa, that's amazing--i had that same vision and was just waiting for someone to come along and partner with me/us" and not "this doesn't seem to fit in with _____ model of church." i'm sure that someone out there's going to say: "wow, he's really having father-approval issues, maybe i can pray for him." instead, i guess i'd like you to say "it seems like you're traveling down the right path...how can we partner together to find and comfort and plug-in the lost--both christian and not?" [then in the back of my mind there's the whole issue that everything now is pretty dang good and yet i'm toying pretty seriously with the idea of dropping it all to saunter off to grad school to finish my doctorate and try to become a prof. instead of sticking with my community and giving all that ph.d. stuff up. or as clarence peterson [no relation] from happy gilmore once said--before falling out of a window--"Hockey? Son, you're gonna give that shit up and focus on golf."] sorry for opening up the dark gates of my mind for a while. yikes. close 'em quickly!!!