star wars Ep. 3 (part 6): revenge of the crappy actors

Here's what happens at the end: Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader and starts his intergalactic heavy breathing campaign. Padume gives birth to twins: Luke and Leah Skywalker. Chewbacca growls forlornly. C3P0 gets nervous in his cute, shiny British sort of way. R2D2 whistles and clicks. No one's ever heard of Han Solo. Obi-Wan Kenobi gets stuck on Tatooine except for occasional stints as a French writer who falls in love with a showgirl who works in Moulon Rouge, Paris. Just like in The Lord of the Rings movies, Christopher Lee gets a total of 2 minutes of screentime. Senator/Emperor Palpatine ages 700 years in 30 seconds after he gets struck by lightning. And Hayden Christiansen proves yet again that even if you're carrying a movie series that has meant the world to millions of people around the globe for going on 30 years now you don't have to actually act. You can just glare. And pout. And swing your lightsaber around really fast. And suuuuuck as an actor. And still have teenagers swoon for you, you lanky stud, you. But it wasn't a bad movie. I mean, it was no Star Trek IV: the Voyage Home or anything.... That was supposed to be sarcastic. Star Trek 4 has to be one of the worst movies ever made, even though they did save whales. But now that I think about it, Star Wars 3 (6) has many of the same flaws that Star Trek 4 did. However, Star Wars 3 (6) can be marketed like crazy and many of the chase scenes lent themselves well to videogames and action figures with cool gun and vehicle accessories. So there is that at least. Yes, I am cynical. Redeeming points: heavy on the current (and Roman) political references. Actually said by Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine: "We will finally have peace" (through constant war); "We've been tested but our resolve is firm"; "We're fighting for liberty and democracy throughout the galaxy." Any of these quotes sound familiar in post-Sept 11 America? Very violent, relatively dark. Many body parts chopped off by light sabers. Women and children killed. Bodies set on fire, etc. Not a kids' movie. So far from the original lightheartedness of Star Wars 4 (the first one) that it's hard to believe their by the same writer/director. The special effects were, as expected, amazing. But compared to the Battle of Pelennor Fields and the siege of Minas Tirith in Return of the King, it was nothing really jaw-dropping. All in all, a sad end to a great franchise. Yoda still kicks arse. But much if not all of the humor woven into all of the other Star Wars films--even the humor of poor old Yoda fighting--has evaporated. This is a Star Wars that has been through The Matrix. This is a gritty, cut-your- legs-off-and-leave-you-for-dead-on-a-volcano, die-strapped-to-a-table-in-childbirth-with-no- family-or-friends-to-speak-of, war-is-hell-so-get-used-to-it-by-the-way-I-switched-sides-and- am-shooting-you-in-the-back-now type of Star Wars. That and the acting by everyone except Ewan McGregor and the Emperor is droid-like. But other than that, great film.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


i am glad that you gave me the review. some media types were giving it big thumbs ups. you have saved me time and money. we will see it now in the dollar theatres.

on a different note, i got an email from roger. it put a smile on my face because he encourages me to dream big dreams. no more basketball for him, but he is in the national tae kwon do team for england.

have a safe trip,


5/20/2005 6:49 AM  
Blogger John McCollum said...


You are an impressionable guy.

I'm still going to see it. With all of the Element staff. Today.

And I'm going to drink beer, too, Damnit.

And I'm going to like it.

So, there.


5/20/2005 8:49 AM  
Blogger lucas said...

so then you liked it? right?

5/20/2005 9:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


true, i am impressionable. q and i have to prep her place for being sold soon, and i was wishy-washy over the movie. of course, i am also the guy who links that bruce leroy in "the last dragon" was a must see flick

a movie i would like to see that probably not get made is an independance day style flick about a rogue nation deploying a multi-gigaton emp bomb over nebraska. see, we both have bizarre dreams...


5/20/2005 10:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm suppose to go see this in a few hours and i'd actually forgotten about it's capacity to suuuuuuck. i did not, repeat, did not like the last two at all. at all. so wtf? i blame my husband. ~z

5/21/2005 1:08 PM  
Blogger e said...

whoa! how are you?!?!

yeah, i liked it... but in the kind of way that you like movies that aren't any good.

5/21/2005 10:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if this shows up twice, sorry.

hi e!
i'm fine. i know it's random to see a ~z posting on your blog.

we saw it. our brother in law said afterwards, "has george lucas ever been in a relationship? i don't just mean romantic, in any social relationship with another person?"

i did appreciate lucas's last ditch attempts at the higher morality message though.


5/22/2005 9:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ooof. You were right, E.

The acting was really, really bad.

Mannequin Skywalker, I say.

The worst part was when Darth Vader emerged from his shackles and threw both arms in the air and screamed "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

What an awful cliche.

Still, I thought the movie was great.

5/22/2005 7:24 PM  
Blogger John McCollum said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/22/2005 7:24 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home