white man's burden

What is up with South Bend--blandest in the land--Indiana? It's no secret me likey the spicy food. I once had a contest with a friend to see who could eat the spiciest jumbalaya. Actually that's not exactly true--he spilled most of a container of cayenne pepper into his bowl and was about to throw it out when his wife said, "just give it to e. he'll eat anything." i did; though i (barely) lived to regret it. I know the actual definition of Holy S&%# means now. Stop laughing. There are three Indian, three Thai, and probably a dozen Chinese restaurants in SB. There are also a couple of descent sushi places. You'd think that we have a large, culturally-rich town to support all this ethnic food. Or maybe you wouldn't. (For comparison, we also have 5 Applebees) The point however is the same: white people have trouble getting people of asian ethnicities to give us spicy food. I go into a place in a strip mall (go figure) called "O. G." It's a chinese place like No 1 on OSU's campus. Not too fancy. Not too good either. I ask for Wor Su Gai hot. I get it red. Not hot, just with added redness. Do they put food coloring in it to make me feel better about myself? Do they think this is some sort of machismo? I went to a Vietnamese restaurant called Viet Nam Restaurant. I get something spicy. It has the little pepper symbol next to the item (the menu has 171 items on it, there has to be some way of telling what's what). I order it. The server asks the typical, "milea, medim, hot?" I say hot. She squints her eyes. She knew I was going to say that. It's good. But it's not hot. I'm not asking to remove the grout in my bathtub here--I just want to feel like I'm not at Applebees in the middle of a northern Indiana cornfield. Is that so wrong? So we got carryout from a Cambodian and Thai restaurant downtown. It's called "Cambodian-Thai Restaurant." I think "Angkor Wat" would have been better, but no one asked me. I got the red curry. It was hot. It made my eyes water. I thought: "hmmm. the Cambodians must not have many customers order hot." Imagine realistically spicy food in South Bend, Indiana. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. I was very happy. But my esophagus was not. I won't even relate what happened to me today. It wasn't fun. It inspired me to write this post about freaking hot Thai curry and the dangers of being white when eating it. It made me think of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire." Damn.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


i understand your pain. i had some last night in columbus.

q and i were getting a smokin joe's pep and sausage medium pizza from hound-dog. after said pizza, i take a nap before we relax for the evening. during the nap, i was with her at a columbus sporting event. when the camera was on us, i hold up a sign reading ezek. 23:20. quite bizarre. i dont know wheter to laugh my rear off or never eat smokin joes.


5/18/2006 11:20 AM  
Blogger e said...

matt--i've never had smokin joes, but that dream is enough to keep me from ever trying it :)

5/18/2006 11:42 AM  
Blogger Andy Whitman said...

Just checked, Matt, and Ezekiel 23:20 is:

"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

Damn. You at least dreamed a good verse. There are a million verses in the Bible, many of them dealing with grain offerings and the counting of tribes, and you dreamed the donkey genitalia/horse semen verse. What are the odds? Well done, man.

5/18/2006 1:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

andy and e

yes, i was caught up in laughter. at first, i did not think it would be as funny until my wife looked it up. she said that i would not be able to take any signs into a sporting event, ever. also, everytime i see a bible quote verse at a game or on tv, i might blush. maybe someone will take my lead. i bet somewhere in cyberspace, so crackpot had this idea too. there are too many people and soo few bible verse.

the odds, well, i dont know. she thinks i made it up, but i guess that i just had a dream. dr. king would not be proud.


5/18/2006 1:38 PM  
Blogger John McCollum said...


I have a few restaurants I can recommend. Unfortunately they're all about 10,000 miles from South Bend.

5/18/2006 4:48 PM  
Blogger John McCollum said...

Or you can just lie and say, "I've been to Bangkok. I want it hotter than that."

5/18/2006 4:49 PM  
Blogger John McCollum said...

If they still don't make it spicy, complain to the manager, "My father is Thai and my mother is from Sichuan province. I sucked breast milk spicier than this!"

5/18/2006 4:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


andy asked what are the odds of the verse.

well, there are 30,442 verses in the protestant bible., or 0.0032%.

the equivalent in real life terms would be :
odds of dying by unspecified chemicals or noxious fumes (1 in 33,863)

exposure of inanimate mechanical forces by being caught between objects (1 in 32,391)

a transportation accident with an animal rider or occupant of an animal drawn vehicle (1 in 31,568)


5/19/2006 7:59 AM  
Blogger e said...

Matt--you're a sick sick man.

Andy--I can't believe you actually had to look up the verse. Don't people at Central Vineyard memorize scripture anymore!?!?

John--It's nice to have you (almost) back.

5/19/2006 10:19 AM  
Blogger Andy Whitman said...


"a transportation accident with an animal rider or occupant of an animal drawn vehicle (1 in 31,568)."

See, there's the connection we've been looking for. Remember, that verse in Ezekiel referred to donkeys and horses.

Matt, I would strongly advise you to avoid contact with the Amish for a while.

5/19/2006 10:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


i agree it is good to have the john and their new addition back. i will wax prophetic and say that she will be insanely popular at church.

e, scripture memorizing is so yesterday.

andy, the connections are powerful. does lyndon larouche know about this? between dick cheney bending spoons and my 1 in 30442, times are a changing. the amish are not fond of me mainly because i once dated a girl who dated a guy who knew the fbi and federal marshals who busted up a marijuana racket they had going awhile back. i am not making it up either...


5/19/2006 10:51 AM  
Blogger 3rp said...

Hi All -

I have not laughed so hard in as long as I can remember.

Thank. Hue.


OK, so I was driving toward the highway the other day, and I saw a big fat older man in and Uncle Jesse gimp suit and a skinnier, younger man (no gimp suit there) messing with a marquee at the Marathon (that's a brand of gasoline here in Meechigan) station.

When I got back to town, I nearly spit out my Powerbar. They had posted (under the price of a gallon of regular at $2.99) "THE AMISH ARE LAUGHING AT US".

The convergence is frightening me.

Oh, and by the way, Congratulations, E. Your blog has become / is becoming what blogs, I think, are supposed to be. I'm enjoying it...and a little jealous if the truth be told. :-) Keep up the good work mano...


5/19/2006 11:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


please forgive me in advance for this link. i dont know who comes up with it, but i think it is very funny.


if you cant get it, it is a hot dog weenie roaster in the shape of a man and the extension for the roasting iron is his member


by the way, if this is deleted by e, i am sorry for the insensitivity

5/19/2006 12:36 PM  
Blogger e said...

Matt, I'm not going to censor you. I'm not going to buy that thing either. However, I have a funny feeling that someone might be getting it for an aniversary present soon :)

5/20/2006 9:37 AM  
Blogger e said...

Oh, and by the way, rich...


5/20/2006 9:38 AM  

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