9.26.2004

and now for something completely different.

I will quote from a book Luke got me for my birthday. It's called The REAL ULTIMATE POWER Official Ninja Book by Robert Hamburger and it's a cool book; and by cool I mean totally sweet. Take a listen:
Part I: Fighting Styles Different ninjas fight with different styles. No single style is the best, but some are obviously stupider than others. A lot of people say that ninjitsu isn't that great, but I'd like to see them say that while sitting next to a ninja. Just imagine yourself introducing one of those guys to a ninja. "Oh hellow, this is my friend Mark. Mark, this is a ninja. My friend Mark here thinks that ninjas are pretty stupid. He thinks that you ninjas can't do anything." Oh man. Just imagine the ninja sitting there drinking coffee with one hand and gripping some ninja stars with the other. Your friend would be so friggn scared. Here are some other fighting styles. Karate Karate is retarded. It's basicaly aerobics with pajamas. If you want to be a real ninja, you don't have to take it. Most people who join karate only do it because their parents make thm. It's basically for people who need an attitude adjustment--that's all. Karate's basic moves are breaking wood; some kicks; up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start; and some other stuff--I can't remember right now. Yoga A lot of kids in my neighborhood say that yoga doesn't have anything to do with ninjas, but that's a bunch of bull crap! I mean, yoga is the most effective fighting style ever. If you stretch hard enough, you probably don't have to fight anybody. One time, I did the splits without warning and some people started running. It's awesome. The main move is the splits. Menopause Menopause is pretty powerful and gives someone a mustache. If you know anybody who uses this style, you should probably just stay upstairs. The main moves are slapping with rolled up magazines, screaming power, single- or double-handed spanking, and hot flashes. Pressure Points Sometimes if a ninja is relaxing and doesn't feel like getting all sweaty, they'll use the pressure points on the enemy. Pressure points are one of the coolest ways to gently beat somebody's ass. You could just be sitting there, relaxing and watching TV, pretending your're not going to completely beat the crap out of somebody and then WHAM! you softly touch their wrist and they go to sleep forever! It's like you've got so much power that you don't need to waste energy on someone you hate. One of the greatest pressure points ever is the Touch of Death.... With just a simple caress, a ninja could end a human life. Here's what happens. A ninja touches the back of some dude's head. Then the back of the head sends a signal to the stomach. Then the stomach sends a signal to the liver. And then, finally, the liver sends a signal to the heart something. And the guy dies! So if somebody says to you, "Hello Sir (or Madam), would you like me to rub the back of your head?" You should probably say 'No,' or 'No, thank you,' because they might be a ninja, completely willing to kill you, but just too tired to get all crazy about it. Judo Judo is pretty lame. It's basically a self-defense style. So when they have tournaments, there's never a winner, because nobody ever makes the first move. The main moves are not doing anything and waiting. It's stupid.

3 Comments:

Blogger John McCollum said...

Erik--

I totally agree with the awesome author. That's pretty much how the other martial arts work. Really lame. But ninjitsu is sweet.

If you don't believe it, go tell it to a ninja. Try out your stupid judojitsu on them, and they'll go all ninja on you and make your face explode.

9/27/2004 7:20 AM  
Blogger lucas said...

ninjas are so totally awesome they make me want to crap my pants.

i love throwing stars.

9/27/2004 7:53 AM  
Blogger Seth said...

That was so freakin' awesome (and by that I mean totally sweet) that I want to kick my mom in face while wailing on my guitar so hard it kills pirates!

Hee hee. :)

10/02/2004 6:37 PM  

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