2.01.2006

American addiction to Furine Earl

Last night, our Leader, Mr. President Bush alerted us, his humble subjects, to the fact that AMERICA IS ADDICTED TO FURINE EARL!!! This was the first I had heard of our widespead addiction. Apparently, Earl has been at the root of our conflicts in the Middle East and with Al' Qaeda. If only we would eliminate our addiction to Earl, America would be safe and liberty would be spread throughout the globe. I'll admit it: as much as I usually agree with the things that issue forth from the President's mouth on matters of security, economic policy, and the UN, this Furine Earl thing took me for a loop. Who is Earl? Where does he come from? Is he really to blame for our addiction to the Middle East (and perhaps China and other countries with whom we exchange trade goods)? Thankfully, there are answers out there. And the President and his men have already taken steps to rid us of our addiction. In case you are not addicted to Earl, like the rest of America, you should know that "My Name is Earl" plays on Tuesday nights at 9 o'clock on NBC. And as you no doubt know, the President interrupted the usual television block on NBC beginning at 9:00pm yesterday (Tues.). You scoffers might think this a mere coincidence, but I see this as part of the Bush administration's larger, and noble, plan to eliminate our addiction to Earl by 2025. (No doubt, the President has taken into account that by 2025 the only TV show currently running that will still be producing new shows is The Simpsons.) ... There were some other issues that the President mentioned last night--but all were overshadowed by the news about Earl. Perhaps the President's message could have been more clear. In an effort to help out these half-explored topics introduced by Mr. Bush, let me add the following. For instance, in all his talk about oil imports, the President neglected to point out that approximately half of the oil use in this country comes from automobiles--that even a 5 MPG increase in fuel efficiency in cars would save hundreds of millions of gallons of gas a year (and a huge portion of consumer's cash would be diverted from ExxonMobile's coffers). Making cars biodiesel-compatable would likely save even more oil and cost far less than our current petroleum refinement process. Also, on the same topic, Mr. President forgot to point out what almost every person focused on the oil import/export issue already knows--Canada, Mexico, Nigeria, Angola, and Venezuela export to the US more than four times the amount of petroleum that we bring in from Saudi Arabia, Iraq, or Kuwait. However, he did hint toward the real issue--that the world is using much more oil than it is producing and promises to increase demand drastically in the next decade.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

e

the earl ref is funny. could this be the prez's way to identify with the common man and show a lighter side of his humor instead of his funny attempts at humor.

as far as the energy crunch, bio-diesel would be fantastic in my opinion. as far as i can tell, the midwestern farmers would agree about increasing soybean demand and such. also, veggie vw's are quite hot and can be retrofitted by anybody willing to read afew books and experiment with their car.

now, the japanese and other asians societies hungry for our soy beans would not be happy. i imagine that any attempts to hold production static and increase demand would cause tokyo to call washinton and threaten to not buy the treasury bills and notes which finance out defecit spending.

quite the quagmire...

matt

2/01/2006 1:47 PM  
Blogger John McCollum said...

You're weird.

2/01/2006 4:56 PM  
Blogger Scott Sloan said...

E, ConAgra and other major Agri-Business Corps have large plots of land in Brazil ready to grow soybeans year round, and food processing plants close to those corporate farms.

I agree that we need to do something innovative to cut our dependence on foreign oil.

Keep this anacronym B.R.I.C in the back of your mind. Brazil, Russia, India, and China - These countries will fuel the global economy for 21st century.

Yes John, we are all WEIRD, but God loves us.

2/02/2006 7:58 AM  
Blogger e said...

matt--you're right, as always.
scott--thanks for watching my back. i dunno about that john guy. he must be investing in earl.

2/02/2006 11:41 PM  

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