today is day number five without b. i can't imagine how tough death must really be--for me, she's only on a trip and is able to be talked with every day. there's something funny about absence. it's not as hard as i thought it'd be, but the things i miss most are things which are not really her tangible qualities that i could explain to someone else. they're mostly the things that are just built into her but that jump out in certain circumstances. the familiar things. the things that happen when everything else is silent. the way she laughs. the way her eyes squint when she smiles--her "east coast" look, as i call it. the way she processes things so quickly and still makes such wise decisions, as if that way of looking at things is the rightest of ways....of course everyone must act that way, but i seem to waiver between opposing viewpoints all of the time. life is noisier with her. i seem to talk to myself most of the time, but she talks to others: the cats, the plants, on the phone--not obtrusively or embarrassingly--but as a way of thinking. she's like a horse: direct, strong, fast, conscientious. and she only sometimes tramples on people :^)