whoa! i'm trying to post from my PC at home and it looks pretty terrible but functions better compared to my Mac at work. I wonder how much simply has to do with using IE here and Safari at work. Safari is sooooo much faster and better, but this is pretty cool (i think the microsoft guys in black suits are coming my way to 'correct' my thinking). so, it's pretty late... like after 3am...and i have many things on my mind, things in addition to headache. the headache is due to many miles of bikeriding in the sun today. things i'm thinking about: 1. after the message tonight at big vineyard, i'm wondering if it's time to just go off to l'abri permenantly. no really. the message was about missions, and i know this is a particular mission i've always felt--working with those who have questions, real questions, and can't find anywhere to answer them. i just wonder if the process of getting involved is worth it. it seems pretty lonely for the staff, unfortunately, but totally 'up my alley' as b would say. so much work and time would be needed to commit to doing something like that for years. it's terribly exciting and threatening at the same time. 2. i still wonder what the point is of church. while i know this is not a very original line of thinking for me, i think i've seen smore of the advantages/disadvantages of both big and large gatherings. i think ultimately we all want someplace we can feel like we're being ourselves, without pretense, and people love and accept us. but to what extent should be expect love and caring and proximity of life? individualism, while more comfortable on some levels, really is a barrier to true openness, even in churchy groups. but you can't force down the walls of individualism very quickly.... also, i feel like i have gifts and talents i could add to any group--that scream to be used--and other things i feel like others could be using, and they/I don't seem to really have the opportunity to spread wings and fly in current contexts. is this just another circumstance where dying to self is the only important thing and eveyrthing else is subordinated to it? 2b. is geographical proximity an essential part of becoming authentic and building genuine community? maybe a better question is, without spending time with each other at all parts of the day, ina variety of contexts, and in both good and bad times is it possible to move into intimate community wherein people become missional and partners about transforming their neighborhood? or is this not really the point of community? can community still be powerful and effective at 'arm's length' when i only see you sporadically and only in one context? alrighty, i'm so sleepy. i wonder if these questions can be augmented later. yikes, it's nearly 3:30am.