5.24.2004

When Favour becomes Conceit

I am struck by fear at the thoughts that come to me regularly now concerning school life. As a teacher I naturally wish for positive relationships with the people around me, and with the kids especially. I have been teaching at my present school for almost 6 weeks, and shall be there for the next year at least (I expect). However, in such a short time I have found such incredible favour with the young people. I find myself thinking about how wonderful and great it is, and then very quickly it turns inwards. I start believing that I am really good, and that I this...I that... I begin thinking that I am the determining factor in the equation, when the reality is that I cannot maintain the positive influence without a huge amount of love, mercy and grace being poured into my life. I had a dream the other night that my classroom suddenly became the scene of a great riot...that I lost control...that I failed. I attended churchlast night knowing tht I needed to have someone (anyone) pray for me in this specific area. I was extremely aggitated by the dream, and found myself soaking in negativity and worry. Such traits are rarely part of my life, and thus I knew that something significant was effecting me spiritually. Do tell me if I am off the mark here. A guy prayed for me. More than that, he spoke profound wisdom into my life, without counselling me. Our God is a god of Mercy. Anyone can see that. I came away from the evening knowing that the source of my success in school must be attributed to God working through me, and that while I certainly provide a means for him to display love, affection and sound teaching, I cannot take credit for his work. Therefore "I" need to bow down low. Life needs to stop being about me. I need to stop being about me. Just as an aside, while in church yesterday I had the strangest thing happen. I saw scripture in my minds eye. Not as in a memory verse...but as in a specific Book, Chapter and Verse. I turned to it, read it, smiled, and then read it out loud. Just FYI

1 Comments:

Blogger brad said...

Wow, Roger, you write about this really well. This post seems linked to the last one you entered as well. I feel similarly like what you are describing often, (particularly since leaving Chattanooga, so) during these last two and a half years.

I think about the power of "Image" and what that means. Do you feel like you're being placed in a context with these insights to focus on a particular attitude of the heart in any way? (Is that a "heartitude"?)

5/26/2004 3:40 PM  

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