what your christmas tree says about you

When I spoke with my aunt the other day, I told her what I'd used to decorate my Christmas tree this year: cigarettes. No, I told her that we used white lights and silver tinsel, but from the way she erupted you'd think I said "placentas on silver hooks" or "menorahs." "Tinsel?" she shouted."TINSEL?" My family does not use colored lights. That's for people who are warm-blooded. At most a sprig of ivy may grace our Labradors' collars. In the town where I grew up people decorate the grills of their Jeep Wagoneers with wreaths--better for ramming home the Christmas cheer. "MY GOD YOU MEAN..." My aunt calmed down when I explained I meant those silver ropes of tinsel you dangle around the tree, not the silver tinsel 'icicles' people drape one by one on the branches. She sighed and started laughing. I hung up the phone. Our family's stock hadn't been sullied by cheap decorations available at stores with enormous parking lots; her heart attack could be avoided for a few more years. Next year I'm braiding a wreath of placentas and wearing it on my face. Until then, a few thoughts on what your Christmas tree says about you, as in: If your Christmas tree is ... Then you A metal pole ... need to watch less television A menorah ... are confused From your neighbor's yard ... should refit it to the stump in January A 20-foot Fraser fir ... have too much money A four-inch fungus ... have too little money Singing ... should call the cops A great kisser ... shouldn't drink at the next office party The smallest in the lot ... are a blockhead One in a million ... are in a forest Already tossed ... are impatient Homicidal ... agree that SNL occasionally gets it right On fire ... should run Upside-down ... do too much yoga Negging your mel ... should wait for the color wheel to switch Held in place by a dead elf ... change the carcass once a week--it'll keep the reindeer from hanging around Needle-less .. deserve it Pre-decorated ... need more spirit The fourth you've bought ... need less spirit Stolen ... need therapy A couch, upended, with a star on top ... will need extra seating Brown ... should water it Made of gold ... win Fake ... should know that everyone can tell, big boobs Pulsing ... should check the calendar--yep, it's April Surrounded by fake presents ... work at Crate & Barrel Published 9 December 2005


Blogger 3rp said...

Wow dude. What part of the country are you from? Sounds just like my family. (Which is mostly in northern NJ by way of Germany and Sweden.) The difference is that in my case, icicles are de rigeur...it's just that EVERYTHING else must be hand made. Including the tree if possible. :)

AND, colored lights are for those with no taste. Tacky, tacky. I think my dad would say that colored lights aren't actually Christmas lights, only the white ones are.

12/11/2005 1:48 PM  
Blogger John McCollum said...


I guess I can be snobbish about some things -- coffee, for instance, but Christmas trees? Ick.

Not too long ago, I went into a very nice house with very nice furniture and very nice curtains. I was appalled, but not surprised, to see that their Christmas tree was also very, very nice. Decorator-showhouse-nice. All of the ornaments matched, all of the little white lights were tastefully and precisely arranged, and all of the neatly tied ribbons were equidistant from each other, their locations apparently selected by careful consultation with a highly paid interior designer.

There were no presents, but I was certain that when they DID arrive, they'd be professionally and impressively wrapped and meticulously arranged for maximum aesthetic impact.


Where are the ugly ornaments their kids made when they were six? Where were the ancient globes with half of the paint scraped off? Where was the nostalgia, the family heritage? Where were the ironic Star Trek ornaments that quoted Spock when activated?


I'll hang on my tree anything my kids make, anything that reminds me of my own childhood, and it'll be the most beautiful tree in town, because it's MINE and carries my memories.

I guess some people would accuse me of having no taste. Maybe so, but at least I have fun; my Christmas tree is one of the only things in my life that is not subject to anyone's approval but mine, my wife's and my kids'. Thank God.

Merry Christmas!

12/12/2005 9:03 AM  
Anonymous Ray said...

If you came up with all of those, I'm impressed. Very funny.

I tried some of my own last night, but the only one I can remember is:

Under a lamp... have it for medicinal purposes only

12/12/2005 12:59 PM  
Blogger e said...

Have no fear. I totally ripped this off. I don't have time to be this funny right now.

And we use colored lights. And popcorn, which my daugher eats off the tree when we're not looking. Funny as hell indeed!

12/13/2005 8:25 PM  

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