half the kitsch

I was told, and therefore was expecting, that the Poconos would be full of kitsch, loaded to the gills with vibrating, heart-shaped beds, champaign-glass jacuzzis, men with hairy backs wearing medallions, the stuff they featured in the "honeymoon" segment of Superman 2 when Superman turns into a normal guy. So you can imagine my dismay/alarm/surprise when I found nothing of the above there. Just mountains, rivers, trees, and the greatest paintball fields I've ever played on. Nothing. Nothing, that is, until we happened upon Country Junction. And then--well, friends--everything kept coming up roses. Inside, the World's Largest General Store houses treasures beyond your wildest dreams. There's your normal country-themed stuff--hunting supplies, deer urine, straw hats, bobble-head American G. I. dolls in their Iraq gear, silhouettes of random people hanging out in your yard, massive confederate and American flags, yards of flannel, overstuffed chairs, kazoos, walk-in-bank vaults, yard trolls, those crystal balls you can put near a birdbath, birdbaths, bib overalls, clay pigeons, pitchforks, big boots for shoveling out the pig sty, big shovels for shoveling out the pig sty, big gloves for shoveling out the pig sty, pig sties, shoo fly pies, 12-packs of soodee pop, grain alcohol, mud flaps for your truck--but that's all the normal stuff. Then they had the really great stuff, the stuff that you just wish you could spend money on but then you'd go home with this piece of crap and kick yourself for spending $100s. Such as: a giant stuffed rhino head. Not real exactly, because that would be totally illegal, but not plastic either. And jack-o-lopes. Everyone needs one of those. And signs about how to get to your outhouse packaged with outhouse construction kits. And full size replicas of 1800s saloon bars complete with mannequins dressed to look like Old West bartenders. And deer dressed up in hunter's garb complete with shotguns. My friends, it's all for sale. For a mere $12,000 you too could own a stuffed lioness tackling and biting into the neck of a terrified stuffed zebra. Full size. Real fur. Perfect for your den. Only $8,000 could get you a stuffed grizzly bear, towering ten feet above you, arms outstretched. Or a trash can constructed from an alligator's head, jaws agape and ready to consume waste paper. Perhaps an ash tray made from a paper wasps' nest...or maybe a full size Japanese koi pond for your backyard. A zippo made to look like a human thumb. A wine rack that resembles the Pope's head. A lamp fashioned out of a person's body and only a lampshade for a head. A silverback gorilla chair. Kitchen tools and containers made to look exactly like giant insects. A stuffed parrot you can attach to your shoulder with a couple of pins. Whatever your budget, it's all there for you. And after you've completed your spending spree, you can take the kids out back where they have a petting zoo. (The Mall of America has nothing on this place.) All in all, I think Country Junction gave me the dose of kitsch I was yearning for and at a price I could afford.


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